Coming Out Of The Closet- I have An Eating Disorder.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWASeaYuHZo

Coming Out Of The Closet-I have an Eating Disorder.

Imagine your life has a ride called the weighing machine. And you are standing on it.Everybody watches you take the ride.The rule is: you don't have to go too high up,neither can you go too down low. Up, Up,Up you are going! You are doing it wrong,come down!come down!....what an idiot,you look terrible from up there,nobody will love you if you look like this; and the disgusted looks on everybody's faces as I rose higher. Then I listened. I listened to them and I came down. I chose to do what everyone said to come down: exercise and dieting. Lower and lower i went until suddenly I heard them shouting again. You looked so much better before! Why did you go low. Go high! You look too weak. You look too thin. Where are those chubby cheeks? Where are those big boobs you had? There was so much chaos and noise that I got tired of listening and going according to what they said.But I never recovered from what I lost.

I lost my self-esteem. I lost my appetite. I lost the ability to love without being insecure of my body. The noises are still there. Some more concerned than taunting. And to be honest, those voices scare me the most. That I may have a problem. That face of concern daunts me. It is the face of my nightmares. Because I had the conscience to stop listening what people said and try my best to ignore them. I got there by a lot of trials and tribulations. One of them was to speak up, I did an open mic on how I was bullied in my school and college to the point where I stopped eating meals properly. But I still haven't recovered. I still calculate what I eat in a day.I still have a very strong fear that I will get fat again. I never step on a weighing machine.I dislike it from the core of my heart.It is never perfect. I cannot bear to look at my weight. If I see it has risen, even when I know it should rise,I still worry what if it rises too much? I weighed too low on a scale once infront of my doctor. He said if i weigh lower than this,I will be hospitalised. That blow atleast knocked in me the sense of not skipping my meals and eating daily. But it had to be healthy. I replaced my disorder for fooling myself thinking I was "health conscious". If I eat anything unhealthy, If I go to a restaurant to eat something with my friends or family; the next day I don't eat much, or I skip one meal altogether. I exercise more. I cover up for it saying I am on a "detox", because I ate too much last night.

There are days when I do feel good about myself. When I do show small signs of coping up,getting better. Where I listen to myself, after alot of reflections and overthinking about my patterns. But i fool these small achievements by thinking that I am healthy now. Because I relapse. I relapse a lot more than I recover. I know I need help. I have told to my parents when they start picking at my weight too much.But I stall it myself. I can handle it,I am okay now, we will get there slowly. I keep saying to myself. I feel as if I am just running away from help. There are various reasons, but as I write this I realize that it's me who is scared of getting help. What I will find out. That I indeed suffer from anorexia. And that it is hard to treat. That it always gets harder before it gets easier. Because all the people standing and watching my ride; they are still shouting....still taunting....still there. I said I got tired of listening to them;but I never said I stopped listening to them.

I won't go ahead and say that I am now going to seek help from a therapist and so should you.I am not going to paste a couple of health line numbers for you to dial. Because I know how hard it is,the courage to accept who you are. To love yourself enough to seek help. So I will just leave you with this affirmation to practice till you and I get there and seek help: I Am Who I Am.

Love,

Priya.