The Morality Compass

What To Say If Someone Close To You Lost Someone...

Over Again-https://youtu.be/eTaFjy8BgGw- Mike Shinoda, Post Traumatic Album....Recommended to listen to this song during/after reading this blog.

Empathy Room

So the reason you came here is because you just experienced your close friend, boyfriend, friend, office colleague, any one that mattered to you enough to read this article; lost someone dear to them.

It's funny isn't it, you will find so many articles and posts on what to do if you loose someone; but what to do if your someone close to you is miserable and in utter despair,and you have no idea how to console them cause you were never told what to do if this happens......

Maybe you are here because this recently happened with you and you didn't know how to handle the situation: what to say. what to do. Or you just are prudent and want to know beforehand what to say/do when a situation like this pops up out of nowhere. Or you just witnessed something like this happening to you and in a desperate attempt you just looked up and found this article to read. No matter where you are at,I just want each one of you to know that you care enough for that person to be here. That alone is more than enough in such a situation. And even if you don't relate to any of the above and decided to read this article, I want you to know that this situation is not a matter of "What if" but it's rather a matter of "When" this happens. Because it will happen; and you will not be ready, you can never be...no matter how much you see it coming, it's always gonna knock all your walls down even before you know what happened, and you have to be a human here, period. So what we can do is be aware, because being aware is wherein lies half the preparation. When an air hostess tells you what to do if you are amidst a plane crash, the most important thing they are trying to do is to make you aware...that this could happen.So when it happens, you are not surprised, which lessens your chances of getting a panic attack and increases the chances of saving yours and your loved one's life.So, let's begin.

What does it feel like-An Excerpt

Here is a page from my diary- From my ex-boyfriend loosing his very dear grandfather, to my another ex who lost his mother when he was in first standard, to my best friend loosing her mother in an accident,  to a classmate of mine whom i barely met  two days before he lost his girlfriend; I have been present through each and every one of these tragedies that took place with my dear ones. It's not the initial grief and condolences period that I was there for, but in fact I stayed through with them in all the stages: the grief, the denial, the bargaining, and the healing(not moving on). So, dear reader if you are in the same place right now, I have been in your shoes one too many times; and i know exactly what it feels like, let's talk about that, shall we? Let's first convince ourselves that we are not alone, since this is the exact same card you are going to pull up on your beloved friend/ lover/xyz: That you are not alone.

Whenever such a news reaches you, your initial reaction is always: "What, this cannot be true, what are you talking about"...along these very same lines. It is as sudden for you as it is for them. You are just shook by the entirety of this situation and here's the truth, call me Sherlock: You have no words at that moment, you don't know what to say. Your loved one is crying, crying miserably, as if crying for help, for someone to save them from this, and you just listen; you don't know what to say, nothing makes sense to you. And the worst part? 99.9% chances are that whenever such a thing happens with the people you care about the most; You are not present there physically with them. That hurts the most, that it is the neighbors and the immediate family who get there first, not you; albeit it's a relief that the immediate help was given, no matter how nosy or pesky the neighbors or relatives are. It pains like no other pain you have experienced in your life, it hurts you as much as it hurts them; and here's where most of us make a mistake: To not show them in any way that "This Sucks". I feel this the same way as you do. I feel this pain too.  I am not saying you need to "tell" them, but yes....you need to show them how you feel. Hiding won't make this any better, being real will. Trust me, as i say this with utmost ingenuity and through experience:  They don't need a sunshine or a saving grace, all they need is a human being, who cares enough to feel this way.

Three Tiered level of People who Offer Condolences which can Make it or Break it

First Tier:

Society- Whenever such a thing happens, the way people approach the person who lost someone is just absurd, even revolting at times. Considering death is such a normal process and all animals who stay in groups have the basic instinct to tending to loss and grief, we as a civilized society lost that basic instinct somewhere along the way, I am afraid. The language of mourning cannot be filled with the polished language from the dictionary, but only with the bleeding heart of an animal who is witnessing the pain of another animal who just lost someone.

When i lost my nana, to my best friend loosing her mother, to my friend who lost his girlfriend, one thing was common: The society doesn't know what to say when we loose someone, and what they do say doesn't make any sense and can instead end up making us feel as if we are even more alone, on our own, "a bubble where they are afraid that if they get too close to us might pop". So they settle for talking on the surface, because they don't know what to do if we "popped", I call all of this bullshit.

Mistakes that our relatives, friends aka society is making that need to be addressed:

1. Asking " What Happened" every single time someone walks into them:  Imagine i asked you to recall your worst moment in your life again and again to each and everyone when you just recently went through it. You already know how you would feel. And keep that in mind the next time you are just looking for words to speak and you decide to go with this basic yet deadly filler:What Happened. It's important for us to realize that this is not a sitcom show where you can just ask them to recap everything for you just because you weren't there to see it happen. It's not even important to know what happened; what's important is that it happened. In the words of my best friend: " Every relative that walks by asks the same very question, it's almost as if this is all they can say, I think i need to put up a cardboard on my head and walk around just to get them to stop asking me this question and me having to recall something so hard for me to get out; over and over again." If you really wanna know what happened, that's okay, ask others because the word will already be out; but please don't use this question as a filler or an excuse to just approach the person who just lost someone.

2. Saying wrong words at the wrong time, or simply speaking words that are wrong at any point of time: Now there are two types of people in a funeral:-Ones who don't know what to say and then there are the one's who will say anything just for the "sake of it". In the words of my best friend: "It's all about the right time". When something like this happens, words don't work; at least in the beginning no matter what you say, even if it isn't necessarily wrong. When someone gets hurt and are wounded, tell me, what should be your first priority? Tend to their wounds with an ointment and first-aid or just tell them words of encouragement and empathy even if they are heartfelt? So now you will ask me; but what is the ointment for a broken heart, it's a pretty basic and simple answer: Just Be There For Them.

And then there are those who simply say anything without thinking if it's the right thing to say, the drama and the crocodile tears people( you will find such people at every funeral). Words like: "What will happen of these kids", "Who will look after them now", "I started smoking because i am grieving over your loss" (All of these dialogues , mind you, are true stories) just don't work. It's far better if you don't say anything, that would save everyone a lot of damage, far more than such revolting dialogues that are downright nonsensical in all ways, with offence.

Word of Caution for the word "BE STRONG" :- You have to "Be Strong". "Don't cry". This is not something that should be said although it seems like it will help them push through this pain.To be honest, it does nothing. Why? because when you loose someone, in the words of my best friend " You don't have a choice." Now, I myself have told this to my beloved ones, to be strong, but it's just important for all of us to know that this word doesn't really do much in such a situation. It won't damage anything, but won't help make things better either.

3.People who think they are walking into a Funeral "Party" and not a Funeral: Do you know what is the bitter-sweet truth when a funeral happens? "This is the time you realize who truly cares for you and who doesn't"~Best friend. It is these testing times which make you realize that the Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,as truly said in the Bible. In simple words, be it a friend or foe, family or unknown, you will be surprised to know who will be there for you and who won't.

Let me describe to you a scenario and you can nod your head if you have experienced/seen this happening: People walk into a funeral, forget why they have gathered here for, and start gossiping.The End. Ring any bells?  I thought so. The people who just decide to "catch up" and talk "what did she wear, what is your son doing, etc etc" in a place where someone is grieving is downright wrong and unjustified to the person who lost someone. Please don't be there to show your face as a formality,please don't let the ones who are grieving feel uncomfortable and wish you'd rather not come at all. You read this and you realize that the way people handle such things is just not right in the society, the very same place we all are a part of. They don't really care. What is needed is care:Little things, little gestures of care, matter far more than just showing up.

Second Tier:

The one who has gone through the same tragedy as them- If you ever want to understand the difference between empathy and sympathy not just as words with meanings, but at a much deeper meaningful level,this is it. If ever a grieving person finds someone who has gone through the exact same/similar circumstance as them, who has lost someone important to them as well, they can truly heal the grieving person...if i may go ahead and say, even more effectively than a therapist would do. Because here's the deal: Understanding someone's pain is one thing, but knowing what exactly it feels like is a whole another thing. Two broken hearts make one, or in simple words: these people, when they find each other, they just get attached :a place; no other can take. Such is the power of pain, the very tragedy that breaks you, gives you the power to attach to someone like no other can, or ever will. Herein no words are needed,no actions required either; herein the most important part of healing takes place: knowing you are not alone aka; Acceptance. 

Third Tier:

The one who has not gone through the same situation but really wants to Help- That is: You.

The very feeling in your gut when you feel restless after hearing that your beloved one lost someone and the verb used in this heading sum up what your role is: To Help. To just be there for them, to help them in any way possible. That's exactly what these words mean don't they? "Call me/text me if you need anything, please", " Hey i called you up/ decided to visit you just to check up on you", "I just wanna be there for you". When your beloved loses someone, they cry for help. You just have to pick up on it and do the very thing they need the most: Help. Such things are unspoken. I call them the Hidden language of love.

During such times you realize that grand gestures don't work, it's in fact the simple basic gestures that make a big difference; gestures like splitting their burden( finishing their homework, helping with studies, cooking for them, writing a letter for them, providing an escape to them by going on a nature retreat, etc). If you really know them, you will know their language, and if you know that, you already know what will work and what won't, so just do it. One thing that is constant: All they need is a shoulder to lean and listen to. So be

-Approachable

-Accessible

-Genuine

-Open

Oh how foolish humans are, to think words of comfort need brains and wit, when all you need is an open heart and truth like a child!

This article would not have been possible if not for the ones who trusted me with their heart to be there for them and especially to my best friend , Maria Siddiqui, who so openly talked to me about whatever she personally experienced and I sincerely hope that this article would help whoever is going through the same and for the people to get an idea now of "What to say when someone close to you lost someone."