WELCOME TO MY BACHELORETTE PARTY! 

Welcome to my Bachelorette party- The current phase of my life. Imagine you are in it now that you opened my blog. Enjoy!

Just a couple of my close friends(my emotions) who reached to the party venue before me, carton loads of water bottles and sanitizers cause we need water to keep going for the entire night and also keep our hands clean,and I invited strippers(my desires), ofcourse. (I just invited them, now if they want to come....it's not my fault, right?!)

Que song 1: If I Got Locked Away By R City and Adam Levine

ME(sober): "Guys, will someone ever accept us like this? Can we be so vulnerable with someone, ever? I just need to fall, fall down and cry on someone's shoulders. For once I don't want to be strong, I want someone to see my softness and care for me. "

Emotions( sober) : "Since how long have we been telling you, just stop! Come back to us, feel us and be with us, enjoy us as we are in the present moment. We know you are doing this because you want to make us feel happy and proud in the future Priya, but in this present moment we are a big black lumpy cloud of ungulpable pain and torture and useless defense mechanisms that worked when you were alone in Punjab, not here."

Ego : "No. No. No. Even here, would your father accept it if you left the job? If you sat at home because what, you need a break? Dude you just got into this new life. Why do you need a break? Spend time with your emotions? Those are not even important. Money is important. What you can touch is important, not what you can feel. Materialistic things. Pride. Fame. If you left your job, will your father still be proud of you? Still treat you like he does now? He has changed so much ever since you went to Punjab. He now treats you like a father, he said he is proud of you. You earned that. You need to keep going inorder to have that."

ME (sober) : (my heart paining and my eyes spilling with tears as I leave for work) "If I got locked away, and If I lost it all today, tell me, would anyone ever still love me the same?" If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn't be strong, tell me would my parents and my friends and my lovers....still love me the same?"

Head: "STOP. FEEL NOT GOOD. NO, THEY WON'T LOVE YOU. THEY CAN'T. I NEED TO KEEP GOING. ONE MORE DAY. YES, FOCUS ON THE TO-DO LIST. INJECT WORK IN YOUR SYSTEM. YES, THAT EASES THE PAIN. INJECT MEMORIES OF THE PAST FROM THE ONE WHO TAUGHT YOU LOVE IS PAIN. only sex, only sex...is good. work, work, noone would love me if i stopped and healed my wounds and took care of myself.stop."

Inner voice: "You will do it. I believe in you. You will take care of yourself, you will love yourself freely and claim yourself boldly again. Go to marines today. You will find your answers."

( And so I left my job.)

Que song 2: Prisoner by Aspect Music ( By Prathamesh Parab, my friend)

Spotify

ME( High on cortisol) : "Shit, I can't believe I found her. She is so perfect, so good. She is a fucking saint man. Really wise. Really really calm and untouched by the storms of life. Dude, she shines and most important of all, she is the best version of myself."

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Emotions: "Uh,oh.....I think she is getting the cold feet. Oh God, here it comes."

ME (High on cortisol): "But I don't think I deserve her. She is just tooooo good. Stay a saint MY ENTIRE LIFE? I can't breakup with this version of me once I marry her. Only a fool would do that. I will have to stay committed to my work, be very comfortable in my strengths and my vunerabilities, be kind and loving and caring everyday. Live everyday to do good and only good. I mean I love her and ofcourse I wanna marry her, but God, I don't think I have explored enough yet. Uk, I never even had threesomes! That was on my bucket list you know!!!!!!! GUYS, HELP ME. WHAT DO I DO?"

EGO: "What do I do? Okay, just stick to the plan. Be good, do good. But what if we went clubbing, drank wine, had rendezvous, do crazy stuff too? Money=Freedom. Come here, drinks of cortisol won't help you. let me give you the pill of delusion too. You will find happiness in the outer world, haha."

MIND : (Here we go again). "Total annihilation of emotions. I am meant to live alone. Imagine yourself in a leather black swimsuit. Imagine you shooting all your emotions.Imagine you meeting someone just like you but by the end of this song you walk up the aisle and pull the trigger, finally...you annihilated everyone, everything. I am alone. Free up mind. Free up space. I need peace. I need peace. "

Inner Voice: " You were never that person Priya, even if you wanted to be. Your actions have manifested your life in this direction. You will never like clubs, even if you feel you would. You will not drink, because you can't even stand the smell of alcohol now, how many times did you try it but never indulged? huh? You were given chances, YOU never took them. You got a chance to do hookah, a cigarette.To have meaningless sex. You never indulged, because you did not want to. Noone stopped you. Deep down, you love this version of yourself that you are about to get married to. All your life you worked and will work only towards getting there and be in a happy union with her, always."

It's now a few hours before dawn. Let's say it's 3 am right now. Let's put on the last song for tonight. The strippers(my desires) have come. Who knew a bachelorette party would wreck me so much!I am in a messy soup of emotions. So not ready for these strippers, God.

Que song 3: Can't feel my Face by The Weeknd

ME( High on adrenaline/dopamine): "Yasssssssss........I enjoy this song so much! (dances and chills out to the song). Woohoooo.I AM NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED!"

Emotions( doing their buffoonery and suddenly they stop and look over): 2 min silence

.

.

(Okay,just 2 seconds silence)

"WAIT, WHAT?!

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

ME(High on adrenaline): "Yeah man, let me just enjoy this song."

Emotions: "Okay, it's just the song, she was kidding, hehe."

ME( High on adrenaline): "Enjoy this song and do whatever the hell I want to. I wanna just have a couple of rendezvous, earn good money and I will marry when the time comes. Not now. I haven't lived my lifeee yet!"

Ego: "Now you are talkinggggg! Cheers!"

Emotions: "Okay, first of all, you guys need to stop slurring your sentences with long g's and e's."

Mind: "Hey, that was my line! I am supposed to come next! Also, I am the grammar nazi in here!"

Emotions: "No, she needs us right now. She needs to feel us. You will give her logical solutions, which is definitely not good for her right now. Okay Priya, listen. You are getting the cold feet. It's normal and natural, considering you are going to get your periods soon.(TMI) But you can do this. You will get through it. Just relax. You need to sleep now. Take that adrenaline off, switch off the song and all desires will fade away."

ME( Blank): "But I just texted one stripper to come over to my room tonight!"

Mind: "It's okay, she will not sleep with the stripper anyway. Her logic is still on. She is just a little hazy. Dude, she loves this chick too much to mess this up. I can see that. By tomorrow the storm of confusion will clear up."

Inner Voice: "And it won't happen. Even if she wants to sway from her path, Life won't let her. She is meant for this. It is destined. She is meant to be good, do good. You are meant to be in a beautiful white dress spreading warmth to this world, Priya. Maybe a leather black swimsuit in the next life, eh? (chuckles) God Bless you."

The next day......

ME(Sober and waking up next to myself,ofcourse): (smiling)" I love you so much. How many times have we had such storms, but everytime we wake up or write in our diary or show ourselves to this world, our heart stays open. Always. We keep going back to our truth, always. May we be together, always. I wanna try with you everyday. Be with you and die as you. My best version. My best character. I love you. I hope I marry you, finally." 

Hey Guys! Haha, she didn't get married yet. She didn't put a ring on it. Put it inside again. Quite a cliffhanger right! But she does love her, alot. Let's see what happens in this chapter next!

Honestly, this is what my life feels like right now. I tried to portray it, but it's hard to put everything out there. I guess if you relate to it as well, then atleast we can say we are on the same boat! This phase of twenties is kind of like this. We are off to becoming something, finding ourselves and our place in this society. Major shifts, major changes happening around us, inside us. All of my friends are going through the same. We are just navigating our roads our own ways. Nothing is wrong, nothing right,that much I know for sure. Something will happen eventually. Alone;we will go fast.Together;we will go far. I hope this blog post makes you realize you are not alone, because you are not alone. I will be patiently waiting for you to assure me that you feel this/have felt similar feelings and can relate to this....if you do!

Thankyou for reading!

Until the next phase of my life(hopefully the wedding day!), Goodbye!!!